From the desk of Tammy Hayes, Middle School Principal:

Wow, next time I get the bright idea to do a parent-help series-somebody slap me! It’s kind of like when you hear, “be careful what you pray for” and you have been asking the Lord to give you wisdom or patience, something wild and crazy like that. Since beginning this series, can I just say that I’ve had way too many opportunities to practice what I’m preaching! Again, I have to reiterate, parenting is ridiculously hard and there are as many opportunities to get it wrong as there are to get it right. However, I promised top 5 Qualities of Well-Rounded Kids so here it is…

#5 Qualitiy of Well-Rounded Kids: They are Others-Centered

What I’ve noticed in well-rounded teens is that they are “others-centered” instead of “me-focused.”  I’m not saying they are never selfish, but they are characterized by acts of serving others and not statements like “What about me?” Just this week, while walking around campus and watching kids, I’ve seen middle school students jump up to help the teacher pass out papers, run and grab a towel to help another student clean up a spilled drink, and several boys huddle  around a student in distress for having dropped all his stuff on the ground while walking across campus. No one told them they had to do this stuff; they innately did so. And I was reminded that there is a point of all that practicing the right response when they are little that pays off when they grow up.

As parents, our “to do” list is quite lengthy when it comes to desired outcomes.  But, I do think this one is very key to growing up with the kind of spirit you and I want them to adopt.  I don’t think they are all born with this, but instead we grow it in them. A few ideas that other families have shared over the years have really made an impact on us.

• Intentionally plan opportunities to serve in the community, your church, or on a mission trip together as a family
• Have weekly chores that require the habit of doing things for someone other than themselves that benefits the whole family, not just cleaning their own room.
• Encourage them to take turns at dinner going last to get their food, even having the boys serve Mom or the girls serve Dad his food first.
• Call children out on interrupting one another when they are trying to tell a story. Make them wait to go last in telling their version or about their day.

These are just a few ways in which we can systematically teach and reinforce the idea that “others matter” and how we treat them matters too. I believe we will see the fruit of our labors on this issue come back as a blessing when we are old and in need of care.

Well, like I said, these are the top 5; there are a few others that also ring true of students who seem to ‘roll with the punches’ and excel no matter their circumstances. When I consider these five qualities, I ask myself what goals I should have for parenting my children in such a way that they are developing these life skills.  What I see is that my love for my child has to be greater focused on doing what is best for them and not on doing what is easiest for me or on what I feel will earn me “cool parent” points.  If I make my own list from these five, I would have to say it would look like this:

1. Empathetically redirect complaining or whining by pointing teens toward others who are less fortunate and helping them be grateful for what they have.
2. Create opportunities to be with your children doing fun things together, serving others, and staying connected to their grandparents and extended family when possible.
3. Measure the expectations I place on my child to respond as an adult or “be mature” and discern whether or not it is appropriate to their age. Remember they are “in process” and a finished product is on its way!
4. Make sure their schedules are not so packed with activity that they create a sense of being tired or overwhelmed on a regular basis and are not being driven by my own need to feel important or be proud.
5. Teach them that mistakes are a necessary part of learning and growing up; they are expected and they serve a purpose in our lives to refine us and make us more like Christ. Teach them how to admit fault when it is theirs and to make restitution when needed.

I started off asking, what’s love got to do with it?  I believe it has everything to do with it. I believe it is the baseline for making decisions that benefit our children, though often it is very hard to do the hard thing that will benefit them later and not in the present. We get so caught up in the moment, in trying to win them over, or in trying to do what we want to do that we forget that parenting them toward their future is preparing them for the time that is inevitable – a time when they are without us to intervene, to do it for them, or to rescue them from injustice. This is our call as much as protecting. God is protector and provider and prover of His love, much stronger and bigger than any act we can offer our children-ever. Hang tough! It will be worth it in the end that really isn’t so far away!