From the desk of Tammy Hayes, Middle School Principal:

**Warning: this is a 5-week blog topic building on itself toward a parenting plan that is counter-culture to the day in which we live! Join me if you dare! It might be a little scary but then again it IS October!    

Tina Turner screeches at high octane levels and struts across the stage singing “What’s love got to do, got to do with it?” While her intentions were to suggest that it doesn’t have a whole lot to do with it, (whatever “it” is), I would like to bring a word of encouragement to parents everywhere that it has everything to do with raising our kids. In a crazy, mixed-up world of new realities, it would be very easy to throw your hands up in the air like you just don’t care! But, truth is as a parent, most likely you would say that you do care-deeply.

Let’s consider that parenting is probably THE hardest concept/skill on the planet with very little reward in the present. In fact, we are all (if we’re honest)  just trying to get to the finish line and check off some imaginary list we’ve concocted which equals success in our minds. The truth is, our lists probably aren’t what really matter. But, heck, we have to start somewhere, right? I am far from being someone to judge how you are doing on your list, but I do want to offer some patterns that I see each week as a middle school principal that must be the result of someone being very intentional and might be worth adding to your parenting arsenal. After finishing this blog, I realized that it had become quite lengthy, and that is a big No-No for blogs. So, I have decided to send you one quality at a time, unpacking it and giving you a little time to implement rather than hitting you with all of them at once. I too am taking the challenge to make each one a bigger emphasis in my home and pay more attention to my tendency to rescue or intercede for my children when things get difficult. So, this can be our middle school journey together…if you dare to join me.

Noticeable Qualities of Well-Rounded Kids

#1. They Move Through Middle School With Relatively Little Upset.

Somehow they understand that things aren’t perfect, and they aren’t supposed to be perfect. These students go with the flow, adjust to the homework load, and well, they make lemonade when they get lemons. I can’t help but feel that when they run home whining about too much or not enough, their parents have the “let me tell you about the five-mile-hike-to-school-in-the-snow-barefoot-story” ready to share. Their child’s complaints are quickly redirected to somewhere or someone who has it rougher than whatever they are currently upset about. And in that moment, that kid is learning, “Don’t whine when things get tough; because they will; instead, make the best of it.”

What’s the tendency of today’s parents? It seems that we are completely concerned about our children’s happiness more than their holiness.

When we look at the scriptures, they point to suffering as a characteristic in line with Christian living; yet, we go to great lengths to make sure our kids don’t suffer.  I have also noticed that parents will go the distance to make sure their child is always comfortable. When I was little, I remember having to share the backseat with my brother on the way to Kilgore, just a 4-hour drive from our home in Houston to Grandma Edna’s. We would quickly run out of seats and my little brother would end up sitting on me or putting his feet on my legs while he slept. When I dared to tattle to my mother that this seemed unfair, that I was uncomfortable and needed more space, she quickly barked, “If you don’t like it, then get in the floorboard!”  Now there’s a solution! (Obviously, everyone in your car should be buckled up for safety).

Hilarious! But, her reaction was to tell me to “get over it or solve it!” She never considered that she could wake him and make him sit up or buy me the invisible seat divider that I had created in my mind! That was the end of it. No more discussion, no coddling, no “let mama get back there baby and you come up here in the front,” just…handle it, fix it, and shut up. While this might sound a little harsh, I have to say, my brother and I knew at the end of the day that there were some things in life that you just didn’t get to complain about; you just had to deal.

How does that translate into today’s students? Well, I think it is very apparent when a child doesn’t have the tools to cope because somehow they never have had to do so. They are conditioned to a rescue or an adjustment. They know that if they complain to mama or daddy, one of them will take their side, come to their rescue, and make whatever adjustments necessary to keep them happy. Where this doesn’t translate is when they get in the real world of school. They have to do things like move from class to class several times a day and be on time, obey the first time they are told (no time for whining), conform to classroom rules, and figure out how to be their own advocate for grades. When they don’t have their assignments, mama or daddy are not there to hand it in for them. When they finish eating lunch, they have to carry their trash and clean up their table. It is completely 100% up to them. And guess what, they do it without complaining! It is a beautiful thing to watch!

So, I am Practical Polly.  I ask myself, what are some tangibles that we can do as parents to aid in this maturing process for our teens?

Here are a few that might help build up their sense of others which will in turn fight hard against issues of entitlement.

1. Redirect whining or complaining with a simple question: How can you see this situation be solved for you? Listen to them try to fix it themselves. This can be a great conversation with your teen.  Helping them talk out loud about it will most likely help them solve it or realize it was a dumb thing to be complaining about in the first place.
2. Look for opportunities to get them serving others instead of self.
3. The next time they share that something toward them has been handled unfairly, refuse to get involved until they can report having a conversation about their frustration with their teacher or friend. Try to hang tough and let them solve the issue or conflict on their own.
4. Give them weekly chores that they do to contribute to your home and family. This sense of being in charge of something other than themselves is very rewarding to teens and makes them know they are needed. It also teaches them to carry their own weight and be a giver.  When they do it well, praise them. When they don’t do it, give them a consequence that requires them to do it before enjoying their play.
5. Pray over their maturity asking the Lord to give you wisdom as you seek to help prepare them for real life.

I started off asking, what’s love got to do with it?  I believe it has everything to do with it. I believe it is the baseline for making decisions that benefit our children, though often it is very hard to do the hard thing that will benefit them later and not in the present. We get so caught up in the moment, in trying to win them over, or in trying to do what we want to do that we forget that parenting them toward their future is preparing them for the time that is inevitable-a time when they are without us to intervene, to do it for them, or to rescue them from injustice. This is our calling as much as protecting. God is protector, provider, and prover of His love, much stronger and bigger than any act we can offer our children – ever.  So, let’s get started this week with Quality #1 – Hang tough! It will be worth it in the end (and that really isn’t so far away)!

Next Week’s topic: Quality #2-They Smile More Than They Scowl!